Triple A

A big realisation has come forth following last weekend.

Sometime after losing my girlfriend, I lost my best friend. On the surface I was both sad and disappointed at the dissolution of such an intimate and important friendship. Resolution seemed futile so I consciously put the matter behind me and attempted to carry on with life. I was on a path of Self-Love; rejecting any form of intimate inter-personal connection in an attempt to feel love and happiness in solitude. I had chosen this path in response to a realisation that most of my perceived happiness during adolescent and adult life had been prevalent during times of relationships.

To be honest, I had absolutely no idea what the fuck self-love meant, nor how to achieve it. I figured that if I stayed single and celibate for long enough, the answers would naturally seep in.

Unconsciously, a different process was manifesting. The result of concurrently losing two of my closest relationships had given birth to fear. (Unaware) I was petrified, mortified of losing anyone else. While I perceived I was distancing myself from friends to focus on work, study and self-growth, it was actually an unconscious act of pushing away everyone dear to me. The closer the person was to me; the further I pushed them. If I only had myself to depend on, then I would be safe; nobody else could hurt me.

A life without love is like a body without a soul. In my attempt to keep my heart open, I closed it completely; while yearning connections, I receding further and further into myself. I spent months completely alone, miserable and self-destructive. In response I became jaded with life; putting aside many of my values. I felt no empathy, no compassion and became utterly selfish.

Things happen for a reason, and at exactly the right time.

The magic from last weekend somehow gave me insight into the truth. Whether it was the lush outdoor environment, the saturation of love from friends, the magic encoded in DMT, the gentle prodding from Hannah; or most likely due the beautiful combination of all these factors; the answer presented itself.

The Awareness of my unconscious fear opened the door to Acceptance of the truth and the re-opening of my heart. Now the last and most important step of this adventure is Action - to embrace the fear and keep my heart open.

Happy days :)