So think about falling in love

You’re lonely, insecure about the dating game and are lovesick. You meet someone who is great and start thinking that you really like this person, that you could date, fuck and possible have a future together. Unconsciously, you begin merge with this person, attaching to them, all your needs, insecurities and dreams. The anxieties and personal pressures you felt while single, begin to dissipate. Within a short time, you find yourself ‘falling in love’. The ongoing rush of dopamine and serotonin is like nirvana and you spend most days together, on days apart, you talk, or message or fantasise. You feel like you’ve found heaven.

You don’t see your friends as much anymore, or when you do, you’re coupled up. Your independence has changed, or disappeared completely. The ‘in-love’ high has worn off and you have doubts if this person is ‘the one’; yet the idea of breaking up is out of the question. No fucking way can you once again face the world alone. No way can you carry all your fears and needs. You’d rather close your eyes and pretend everything is fine. And when the relationship ends, the pain is unbearable. Yet the pain of separation is minute compared to the pain of aloneness and insecurity that floods your body when that bond is severed. It’s unbearable; you hardly sleep or eat and when the next great person comes along; you do it all again.

This an example of an immature relationship. Your love is possessive as you need that other person to feel good about yourself; to feel whole and complete. They are an extension of yourself, the ying to your yang.

And then there’s a mature relationship.

You’ve worked hard to combat your isolation, delved deeply into your anxieties and have sat with your loneliness. To some degree, you’re an independent, self-actualised person who feels relatively whole alone. Yet, what do you know about love?

Past experiences and social ideology tells you that you will meet someone you like; they will sweep you off your feet and the overwhelming rush of love that you’ve been seeking ever since the early relationships will envelop and carry you into the clouds. Only this time, you hope that you will no longer lose your independence and your self-work will keep you level headed and in control. You start dating and find yourself jumping from one person to the next. Your dates are nice; cute, fun, intelligent, yet where’s that rush? Where’s the falling in love? You know; you’re certain that unless that feeling comes, unless that socially constrained fairy tale emerges, that person is not right for you.

What an utter mistake. You haven’t realised that as you’ve grown, so has your capacity to love. You still feel that passion, intimacy and butterflies in your stomach, yet the ‘falling’ is no longer necessary. The intensity associated with relief from merging and transferring across all of your needs/fears is no longer there. You don’t need another person; you just want one. You are now someone who can choose to love; choose to form that bond. This love is now much less possessive, perhaps even unconditional, and is based on inter-dependence. You are whole individually and the other person just helps you shine brighter…