Last night I had a breathtaking experience.

To understand, this story needs to be told from the beginning….

I have been afraid of myself and insecure, my whole adult life. Instead of facing these fears, I developed a giant ego, a personification of myself that I believed was protecting me from the world, but was actually protecting me from myself. This ego was so huge and so disparent from my true self that it eventually led to an anxiety disorder; a debilitating physical and mental condition that would render me useless for hours at a time for no apparent reason. I would literally drive myself sick, vomiting uncontrollably before attending social functions. It was crippling, and more so, after years of self-psychoanalysis and therapy I had absolutely no idea why it was occurring.

Then one day I met the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. I pursued her and attained her in what literally could be described as a fairytale. Soon after we began living together, my internal world started to fall apart. Suddenly, I stopped enjoying who I was, and the things I liked. All my egotistical behaviours began to repulse me. I sought out an amazing psychotherapist, who I’d met socially, and together we unravelled that that this girl was my egos final and greatest achievement. My protective shell had served its purpose and had now started to waiver. The anxiety however, was still there.

A year went on and one morning this girl and I broke up. In that instance, I was overwhelmed with all my insecurities and fears of being alone and single, I started choking and threw up. As I calmed down, I suddenly realised that it wasn’t my true self who was afraid, but rather my ego. Before this moment I hadn’t truly understood who my ego was. This realisation was so intense, that in that moment, my ego was shed, and with it the anxiety dissolved. In that moment I realised that that the anxiety was purely a result of the huge conflict between my true self and ego; and that knowledge was enough to dissipate it.

The girl and I got back together and another year passed. In that time I became more and more aware of my ego, was relatively free of anxiety, and almost completely true to my inner self. There was still something missing; something not right. I felt confident, successful and happy. But I still unaware that I was still scared of myself.

The relationship with the girl wasn’t right, we both fought for it frivolously, but it was not to be. It ended again, almost a year to the day of the previous time. With the second ending, I realised that this beautiful girl had been my ego’s daily nourishment and that I’d fought for the relationship for reasons that were not true to myself. In breaking up I realised that I no longer wanted to listen to my ego, or feed it; I was now ready for my true self to take the reins and steer my life. I accepted the breakup, but there was still an anxiety lurking. The idea of my greatest achievement in the hands of another guy was utterly overwhelming. I simply couldn’t accept it. I know it was my ego holding on, but that knowledge alone, wasn’t enough to free me.

A long time ago, when my first significant relationship had ended and I hadn’t fully let go, my ex and I went out to a club and there I witnessed her flirting and falling for another guy (who she is now married to). That was the most painful experience and the worst day of my life. I’ve carried that moment with me and have since then, always cut myself off completely from girlfriends following breakup.

Last night I was attending a gig, and had messaged my ex asking her not to attend. She rightfully refused and concurrently I found myself anxious and debilitated. I realised that this was my greatest fear and I had the option to face it. I was petrified.

I decided to bite the bullet. It was now or never.

It turned out to be an amazing and emotional night. I have never felt so free and liberated; I understood and accepted the reality of the situation and let go of my final fear. The memories of what we had are enough, I accept whatever happens next.

In the past several weeks, I have felt different. For the first time in my adult life, I am not scared of myself. I can stand in a social environment, without beautiful women, without my friends, without my social status; and feel truly comfortable within my own skin. I am finally confident, not arrogant.

I can’t even begin to explain the intensity of that feeling.

What a journey it’s been so far. It’s poetic tragedy that I had to lose something so beautiful to gain something so beautiful; and the emotions from this realisation are often still too much to bear.

Thank you all that have helped me so far along the way. Thank you most to that special girl who freed me from myself.

Much Love.