The last several months have been characterised by a growing increase in day to day anxiety, which for me, serves as an indication that something is wrong. I am completely crippled when in the grips of anxiety and I quickly become obsessed with identifying the source of wrongness. Knowledge is power; therefore understanding WHAT the triggers of my anxiety are, allows me to ascent some level of control so that I have the strength to figure out the WHY…
Through self and professional psychoanalysis, I’ve concluded that my adolescence (age 12-18) can been characterised by intense feelings of rejection and insignificance (nothing beyond the typical adolescent issues) . The negativity associated with these feelings led to the formation of “armour” over the next 10 years. This armour involved creating a world around me in which I was defined by success, viewed from EVERY possible angle. There was nothing I couldn’t do, nothing I couldn’t achieve. I’ve always been driven, but could never understand my restlessness for wanting more.
I believe that the universe is constantly talking to us; we just need to learn to listen. Melanie has triggered this episode. She represents the last, most significant success of my life so far; the perfect girl, maybe not in everyone’s eyes, but definitely in mine. Suddenly, all the armour has fallen off and I stand naked before the world, crippled with fear of who I am alone, without the things that put me on a pedestal. The armour has served its purpose; it has helped me achieve everything that I have wanted to this day. Now it’s the time to resolve and accept the past, and to find contentment in just being me.
